Echoes

Posted on Thu Dec 7th, 2023 @ 11:41pm by

2,094 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Mission 1: Campor III - Resupply
Timeline: C15 0330

The crew decks on the Columbia were quiet this time of night as Kas walked along the corridor, the hybrid paused; he couldn’t remember how he had gotten here… He knew he’d been dreaming and he’d gotten up so as not to disturb Keena… His sleep had been visited by memories of things he’d seen and done, ‘Forget Nothing’ was a frequent mantra of his people. Sometimes he wondered if forgetting was such a bad thing. He didn’t know where he was going…

He heard a woman singing, lyrics were in Federation standard… 

”Someday when I’m awfully low, When the world is cold.”

He recognized the voice, she had a Quathteen accent…

”I will feel a glow just thinking of you and the way you look tonight.”

It was Rahl… but how? It couldn't be Rahl, she returned to the stars… 

”With each word your tenderness grows, Tearin’ my fear apart.”

He moved toward the voice and turned a corner, a door opened and he crossed the threshold. The room was dimly lit, the walls were gray, not the off-white color of Federation bulkheads. This was more like a chamber on a Quath’Mar vessel, but that can’t be…

”And that laugh wrinkles your nose touches my foolish heart.” 

There was a woman in an emerald green dress with her back to him, she was looking out the window. Her red hair was down and draped onto her back, the charms on her earring glistened in the dim light. She smiled softly at the stars as she rocked and forth and continued singing.

”Lovely never never change Keep the breathless charm. Won't you please arrange it?”

Kas moved quietly toward the woman, he could see her profile now. She had a delicately ridged nose and elegant brow; it was Rahl… She looked just the way she had the last time he’d seen her… The light of the stars beautifully lighted her fair complexion. 

”Cause I love you Just the way you look tonight.”

The Bajoran woman was holding a baby in a warm-looking blanket with blue embroidered markings indicating the child was female. Rahl smiled with a twinkle in her eye and handed him the sleeping girl. He could see the child had a high forehead and little cranial ridges topped with curls of red hair. He smiled realizing this was Keena and he knew those little curls would grow into the frizzy hair he braided yesterday. He opened his mouth to speak but she put a finger to her lips. Kas could feel tears in his eyes; he hadn't had a chance to know his child as a babe in arms... He'd missed so much of his daughter's life… He wanted to ask why she hadn’t told him about Keena… 

 His vision blurred and he could feel the room slipping away from him… “NO!” Kas cried. “Rahl why?”

Everything went black… ‘Gods I lost so much’ He thought… He knew was dreaming, he wanted to wake up, there were too many things didn’t feel ready to face…

“Kas?”

He heard someone calling his name, it was a female voice… 

Feeva stood in Kas' room, trying to wake him up. She'd gotten Keena to sit down in the kitchenette, drinking some hot chocolate. 

"Are you alright?" She asked, when she felt like he was roused. 

Kas opened his eyes and blinked, it took him a second to realize where he was. His face and chest were damp with sweat; ‘He was lying in his bed? Who was in his room?’ He looked at Fee for a moment as though he didn’t recognize her. Then he turned on a lamp and he nodded.

“Is Keena alright?” Kas inquiered.

"Yes, she's fine. She called me, actually. She said you were acting out in your sleep and you scared her," she said. "She's in the kitchen, having some cocoa, and a bit of breakfast. What's going on?"

"I was dreaming," Kas stated. "They were what my people think of as echo dreams. I saw things and people from my past. Thanks for coming to help Keena." Kas got up and poured a glass of water from a pitcher on his nightstand, he was only a loose pair of shorts not much was left to the imagination.  He only began wearing clothes to bed after he'd taken custody of Keena. 

"Would you like some water too, I keep a second glass for Keena; she wakes me up to tell me she's thirsty sometimes." He smiled, "I'm not sure why she doesn't just get herself water, she knows how."

Feeva smiled lightly. "Sure, thanks." Feeva stood off to the side, a bit uncomfortable to be alone in a strange man's bedroom. Not that he was strange, but... damn it, Fee, stop. "Of course, you've helped me before. It's only right I return the favor," she said. "Who is Rahl, again?" She couldn't remember if he'd mentioned that person before. If he had, it hadn't been when she was in any capacity to remember it. "Indeed, you were yelling in your sleep. Is that something that has been happening often?" 

"Rahl was Keena's mother," Kas said as he handed Fee the glass. He pulled a tunic over his head, hoping that would ease her discomfort. "To my knowledge; I haven't called out in my sleep in a long time."

"I see." Fee wasn't worried about him being nearly undressed, more the fact that she was alone in someone else's bedroom. "Thanks," she said, taking the water. "Well, if this is a one-off, it was concerning enough for Keena to call me. I am glad it's not an on-going thing. What were you dreaming about? Specifically, I mean..." Should she sit down? Should she stay standing?! This was the first time she'd been called for something like this, and she wasn't sure what the protocols were. 

Kas walked over to some cushions that were on the floor he sat cross-legged on and motioned for Fee to sit on another.

Fee sat, cross-legged on the cushions as she'd seen some of her Bajoran friends and patients do in the past. 

“Most of my dreams were just memories from my battles during the War…” Kas sighed, “I don't want to talk about that… I also dreamt about Rahl, she was holding a baby.”

Feeva nodded. "Keena." It was a statement, more than a question. "Perhaps...a bit of guilt for not being around more? If so, try not to feel badly. You didn't know," she said. "Whether that was on purpose or not is neither here nor there. You're here for her NOW, and you have time to correct your absence," she said. 

Kas looked at the floor and felt the tears welling in his eyes, he couldn't hold them back.

“Keena looks so much like her Rahl. Gods I miss her… I never would have left if I'd known she was having our child, I waver between anger and grief. Keena needs me, so I have to be strong.” Kas kept his eyes on the floor, “I think I must have been crying out in my sleep before now,  Keena asked me about Tura the other day. Tura is my stepbrother, he died when we were teens. I've been dreaming about him lately as well. I asked her where she heard the name but she didn't want to tell me.”

Feeva simply nodded. "Grief is a strange bedfellow. I still feel, every day, that I am simply not doing it the right way. When Leena is sad, I have the guilt that her father isn't here. When I think some other man is attractive, I feel guilty that my husband is dead and here I am, being a female. But you know what? It never gets easier, it just haunts us less. You don't need to be "strong"-whatever that means. I suspect you mean the gender normative "be a man" nonsense. There's no gender assigned to feelings, though. You are as much of a man-maybe more-if you let Keena-and everyone else-see you having emotions. You're still a warrior. You're still Quath'Mar. You're just one who feels things. I have learned that even the biggest, most "manly" person in the Fleet has bawled his eyes out in my office. Sometimes about serious things, and sometimes not. It doesn't matter." She paused to sip the water. "Do you think there's a reason she didn't tell you? We...us women-we usually know pretty quickly." 

“It's not the macho qeQ that some cultures have, Nomadic peoples have little time for grief. Our lives are often too dangerous and tumultuous to dwell on such things.” Kas said, "As far as why Keena didn't tell me where she heard about Tura, I don't know. In many ways she's a puzzle to me; a puzzle takes time and patience to solve.”

Feeva chuckled. "Yes, even when you've been there their whole life," she said. "They are still a mystery. Leena does things I don't recognize as my or her father's influences." She paused. "Here's the thing-you now have the proper time to grieve. You need to do that. You can't carry that burden with you. It will eat you alive. I won't lie-speaking as a widow, not a counselor-it will not be ok ever. But it will be better most days. Do you let Keena openly discuss her mother and her feelings about her loss? That's a good place to start. Even if you don't know what to say, just knowing that someone else feels the pain, too, helps." 

“It hadn’t come up til the other day, I’m not very good at this. I know I need to tell Keena about her mother and her Uncle Tura and others who came before us. I guess I’m still learning to cope with their loss.” Kas smiled softly, “In the dream, Rahl handed me Keena. It was like she was blessing me to raise our daughter. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me, but I believe she would have told me.”

Feeva nodded. "Perhaps she didn't know yet when you left," Feeva said. "Or perhaps she knew you'd stay and didn't want the guilt. At any rate...yes. There is a lot to learn. There's no correct way to mourn. I don't necessarily expect you to cry or something, but to bury it won't serve you well anymore. I understand why you might when you're...out there, fighting. But here, on a Federation starship, where you're mostly safe? It's ok to let it come out in whatever way that is." 

"Thank you," Kas said. "You're a good friend. I should probably check on Keena before she causes trouble."

Feeva smiled. "You are, too. Thanks. She's being good; I have realized that she only causes trouble when she's bored or otherwise needing attention. I sat her down with some cocoa and toast." Feeva followed him up and out to the other room. 

Kas paused as he saw Keena sitting on the floor with a piece of toast in her hand and a photo album open in front of her. She was looking at pictures taken long before she was born. The little girl put a grubby finger on a picture of her mother standing next to Kas and Tura when they were teens.

“We eat at the table ’Little Star’” Kas said warmly. “We don't want to soil the book.”

“Sorry Papa,” Keena said. 

The child moved to close the book, but Kas took the album. “Wash your hands and we'll look at this together.”

Kas smiled at Feeva, “Would you care to join us?”

Feeva smiled. "I would love to, thanks..." She said. She and Leena did that sometimes.

Kas wiped the grease from Keena's fingers off the pictures and smiled at Keena as climbed onto his lap. The child pointed at a picture of Kas, Tura and Rahl.

"Nanna has that picture too," Keena smiled. "She said three of you were friends."

Fee smiled. "That's good. Friends make things better, don't they?" She said.

"Yes, with good friends we do almost anything," Kas said sincerely. "Tura and I had many adventures, your mother Rahl was often around as well..."

Kas smiled as Keena cuddled up on his chest as he began to tell her stories from his childhood.

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